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The totaly pointless ramblings of a Jeep owner.

Saturday, April 03, 2004

I'm moving! 

I hope this won't cause too much confusion, but I have recently been added to the Munuvian Empire. I will be switching over to the new site as soon as I figure out Movable Type.

OK, actually I'm getting a lot of help, so the move is alread underway.

So come check out There's One Only! at its new location

(Pardon for not being in color yet. As someone once said, 'Every new house starts out white.'

Friday, April 02, 2004

A Filthy Lie: How Evil Glenn Spent April Fool's Day 

I was sitting on my couch, watching the Sabres eke out a win against the Rangers Wednesday night, when my telephone rang. This better not make me miss a goal. I thought as I hit the speakerphone button. There was no response to my ‘Hello,’ just the click of a pre-recorded message starting. Stupid telemarketers. Maybe if I wasn’t so lazy, I’d get around to signing up for the national Do Not Call registry. Just as I was about to disconnect the call, I heard a familiar voice.

‘Agent GEBIV, your mission, weather or not you actually choose to accept it, is to find out how Evil Glenn spent his April Fool’s Day and report back to Alliance HQ. If you are discovered, the Alliance will disavow all knowledge of your actions. If you really mess up, we will also relieve you of your membership in the Alliance. We will refund the remaining portion of your dues at a pro-rated allowance in that event.

This recording will self destruct in 5 seconds.’

But I don’t have a recording. This is over the phone.

Prudence first. I ducked back behind my couch just in case. Then over the speakerphone, I heard a small explosion. Then in what sounded like Harvey’s voice, muffled cursing. And right before the call was disconnected, what sounded like Harvey’s beloved blogless wife shouting at him about another visit to the burn unit.

Heh Heh. Glad I didn’t reverse the charges.

As I chuckled evilly to myself, I realized that it was time for another…

MISSION IMPLAUSIBLE
(Cue Theme Music)

I knew that this mission would require comprehensive surveillance of Evil Glenn’s movements throughout the day. I figured that I was going to need some help on this one. I picked up the phone and called the blogless brother, AKA Culbrez.

I just hope that he had recovered from the last time I had used his help. He came right over; with no visible sign of all of the traumas he had suffered helping me. I explained the mission to him. That we would need to find out how Evil Glenn spent his April Fool’s Day and report back to the Alliance HQ. He pulled out his laptop and settled down to some serious hacking.

Step one, hack into Evil Glenn’s computer files and get a copy of his itinerary. With that, we would be able to figure out where he was going to be, and thus be in position to follow him through the day.

As Harvey once said, it’s like Evil Glenn has never even heard about firewalls. My blogless brother was able to hack into his personal itinerary without even having to use a single eyebrow twitch. Good thing too, I was getting fed up with that uppity facial hair, A few minutes later we were looking at Evil Glenn’s April 1st entry in his day planner.

April 1, 2004
6:00 Wake Harvey up with prank phone call---tell him he was recalled to active service.
8:00 Find a puppy
8:05 Blend puppy
8:30 Put puppy shake into Susie’s chocolate milk bottle (this should start her addiction nicely)
10:00 Put itching powder in Frank J.’s t-shirt.
10:15 – 12:00 Videotape Frank J. scratching. Should look just like Robot Dance (Good blackmail for later)
1:00 Crash stock market by announcing infestation of spiders on the trading floor
3:00 Buy up mortgage on a local orphanage
4:00 Foreclose on orphanage
6:00 Chase down all of the newly made hobos and whack them
7:00 Reopen orphanage… (This could be a long term hobby)
9:00 Switch all of the sleeping pills in the local pharmacy with No-doze
11:00 Call Harvey again and ask if I can date his blogless wife while he’s in Iraq

This was too horrible to believe. I’m all for good-natured pranks, but most of Evil Glenn’s were just too horrific to be allowed to happen. We couldn’t just observe and report his actions. We had to stop him.

I checked the clock, we had worked clear through the night. It was almost 6. We had to do something to stop Evil Glenn’s plans. Thinking quickly, I had my blogless brother hack into Glenn’s phone company. We put a temporary stop on his phone line. That should protect Harvey for the time being, I thought.

Now we needed to protect Susie. This could take a little more effort than just canceling a phone.
If Evil Glenn stayed on his schedule, we had a little more time to stop this prank. There was no way that we could protect all of the poor little puppies in the town; unfortunately, we would have to pick our battles. But I should be able to protect Susie, if I acted fast enough. With my blogless brother acting as a lookout, I snuck into Susie’s house and hid in her kitchen.

Then it was only a matter of time. Evil Glenn showed up, right on schedule. I watched him as he switched the chocolate milk for a chocolate puppy shake. And then, as soon as he left her house, I quickly replaced the whole bottle with at fresh one we had purchased on the way over to her house. We quickly disposed of the vile concoction. A second victim saved.

Next, we had to stop Evil Glenn from tricking Frank J. But how could we prevent Evil Glenn from dusting Frank J. with itching powder? And then if we couldn’t stop the powder, how would we keep Frank J. from doing a robot dance while scratching? And if we couldn’t stop that, how would we stop Evil Glenn from videotaping the whole thing? I slapped myself before I started spiraling down into a pit of self-doubt.

Then it came to me. A plan that was majestic in its simplicity. Quickly hacking into Evil Glenn’s financial records, we were able to determine that he had not yet purchased the required itching powder. And so, grabbing our credit cards and our cell phones, we quickly called all of the practical joke stores, toy stores and magic shops and completely cornered the market on itching powder. And maxed out our credit limits.

Well, Frank was now safe, but we just couldn’t keep this up all day. Drastic action had to be taken. There was only one thing that we could do. We had to neutralize Evil Glenn for the rest of the day.

We followed Glenn as he went from store to store looking for the itching powder with no idea as to how we would be able to stop him for the rest of the day. And then we were in luck. Giving up on trying to torment Frank J., he headed straight home. Recklessly driving cross country in my jeep, we were able to beat him to his house.

I had an idea how to stop him. I quickly checked his refrigerator, and among all of the disgusting things that you would expect to find was what I was looking for. (Actually, more than what I needed, but hey, the more the merrier.) Taking the five-gallon tub of mayonnaise that I found, my blogless brother and I smeared a trail from the front door straight to his bathroom. The trap was almost ready. Rummaging around a little more, I found the final item that I needed; an extra-large tube of superglue. I quickly finished my preparations as his car pulled into the driveway.

Just then, we heard Evil Glenn coming up the walkway. We quickly got into our positions and waited for the trap to be sprung.

Exactly as I had planned, as soon as Evil Glenn walked through his front door he started sliding. Straight, as I had planned, into his bathroom. Quickly slamming the door behind him, I completely sealed the door shut with the superglue I had found earlier. With both the door and the window (done before he got home) of his bathroom sealed, I knew that we had him safely tucked out of the way for the day.

‘That will keep you from torturing innocent people, you bloodsucking soulless fiend!’ I shouted through the door.

‘That’s lawyer to you,’ he replied.

Just then, the shriek that we heard through the door let me know that he had discovered the superglue that we had applied to the toilet seat and lid. He wasn’t going to be going anywhere for quite a while.

Suddenly, I was startled by another scream from behind me. My poor, hapless brother had gone wandering through the house and had looked into Evil Glenn’s bedroom. He came stumbling down the hallway with his hands over his eyes yelling, ‘Oh the horror. It burns!’ Pushing away my helping hands, he ran straight into the penguin version of Rodan’s ‘Thinker’ that was sitting in the main foyer, knocking himself out cold.

Discounting the injuries suffered by my blogless brother. I decided that the mission was a complete success. We had managed to foil Evil Glenn at almost all of his nefarious plans.

To sum up what Evil Glenn did on April Fool’s Day:

He had his phone turned off.
He blended a puppy that he didn’t even get to drink.
And then he was sealed in his bathroom and superglued to his toilet.

As I dragged my brother out to the Jeep, I just hoped that I hadn’t started a new perversion for Evil Glenn. The last thing the Alliance needs is Evil Glenn supergluing himself to different things.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

Filthy Lie: How Evil Glenn spent his April Fools Day 

Evil Glenn hid behind a tree. When Harvey walked by, Evil Glenn jumped out and gave Harvey a wedgie.

I think Harvey liked it.

Happy April 1st 

Just putting up some of the good april fools posts I'm finding. I'll add them as I go.

Good story over here at Cox & Forkum

Please Frank! Say it's all a bad dream!

Try this little game over at Rocket Jones.

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

PGH Roundup at Alliance HQ 

But only Susie and Harvey had anything. So if you want, you could just go straight to their posts.

Carnival of the Vanities Is Up 

Posted over here by Eric Berlin. Thanks everybody for coming over and looking at my first entry. What a bunch of hits!

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

PGH Assignment: The Benefits of Appeasment 

I like Chinese food. That’s why I was sitting in The Great Wok at lunchtime. I had just finished off my Kung Po Chicken and was leaning back, loosening my belt, as I cracked open my fortune cookie. My favorite part of the meal. (Quite possibly the greatest after meal tradition ever invented; if you ask me.)

As I nibbled on the tasty treat, I idly read my fortune.

Uh oh.

Agent GEBIV, your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to discover what possible benefits that America could receive by appeasing terrorists. To accomplish this mission, you are instructed to go to the nearest Good Will store and accouter yourself as a hippy. You are then to use this disguise to infiltrate the local Hippy Headquarters.

Once inside the Hippy Headquarters, find any information that they may have on the benefits of terrorist appeasement. Collect any information found and bring it back to Alliance HQ for analysis. If you are unable to find any of theirs, just make something up.

While inside, be careful of doing anything to give away your cover. The ‘peace loving’ anti-war movement has been known to become violent when they encounter opposing viewpoints. We recommend randomly shouting things like ‘Bush Lied, People Died!’ and ‘No Blood For Oil!’

Because of the danger of discovery, we do not recommend having sub-agent Culbrez accompany you on this mission. We do not feel that his presence would be beneficial to the successful completion of the mission. (Let’s face it, after all he’s been through, he now has the attention span of an A.D.D. squirrel on a sugar high.)

To sum up your mission: Camouflage yourself as a hippy. Infiltrate the local hippy headquarters. Find any information on benefits of terrorist appeasement. Return with found information. Don’t get caught.

Good luck, and good hunting.

Oh yeah. If you are discovered… yada-yada… no knowledge… disavow… you know, the usual stuff.

H


How did he get all of that inside one little fortune cookie?

Just then the bill for the meal came. At the bottom of it were the words that I have come to dread. The crayoned scrawl across the paper read:

Oh by the way, the note and the fortune cookie should self destruct any second now.

H


The COOKIE too? Oh no. I already ate it!

*Belch*

Cool. Smoke rings… *Thud*

I picked myself up, paid the bill and staggered to the door. Outside the restaurant, as I was popping a handful of antacids, I realized that it was yet again time for another…

MISSION IMPLAUSIBLE
(Cue Theme Music)

I looked down at my clothing and grudgingly agreed with the directive to go to Good Will. I definitely needed a disguise. (My cover job required a great deal of interaction with the public. As a result, my clothing ran long on oxford shirts and dress slacks, and very short on tie-dye t-shirts and jeans.) So off to the local outlet of used clothes I went. Slinking along the sidewalk to my Jeep, I hummed my theme music.

Entering Good Will, I dove head first into the tie-dye section with abandon. Several minutes later, I emerged looking every inch the hippy. From the tip of my bandana wrapped head, to the soles of my sandaled feet. I was ready.

Getting into the Hippy Headquarters was easier than I expected. As I strolled by, casing the security set-up, a longhaired hippy noticed my tie-dyed apparel and called out to me. ‘Hey dude, wanna come inside and smoke some weed?’

When I nodded yes, he unlocked the door and let me through the gate. He immediately lit up and took a long drag. When he held it out for me to take, I reached over and gave him a Vulcan Nerve Pinch. His eyes rolled up into his head as he collapsed in a boneless heap. Good thing that he didn’t know that doesn’t really work.

Now I was in. Noting that the lobby-map showed that the Records Office was on the top floor, I headed for the elevators. Hopefully, anyone finding the doorman would think that he had smoked himself into unconsciousness. And by the time he came to in a half-hour, and was able to tell them otherwise, I should be long gone.

I stopped the elevator at the floor below my destination. I scrambled up through the escape hatch in the ceiling. If anybody was tracking me, that would help throw them off of my trail. Prying open the elevator doors with the ‘PEACE’ medallion I was wearing, I peeked in at the Records Office floor. Good, no one there. I pushed the doors open the rest of the way and crawled out onto the floor.

Oh boy. I thought as I looked at the rows upon rows of filing cabinets. This might be a little harder than I figured. Making a guess, I went to the ‘T’ cabinets to look under ‘Terrorists, Reasons for Appeasing.’ No luck. Then I went over to the ‘A’ section, hoping to find something like ‘America, Terrorists, Benefits from Appeasing.’ Nothing here either. Starting to get desperate, I looked in the ‘B’ files, praying that there would be something there in the ‘Benefits’ folder. Nothing that I need.

(On an interesting note, it appeared that all Hippy Headquarters Employees get full dental and free chiropractor visits. How come the Alliance doesn’t even give basic medical?)

Something my cousin had said to me the week before came to me. We had been discussing the idea of appeasing terrorists. ‘What a stupid idea,’ she had stated. Inspired, I ran to the ‘S’ section and pulled the ‘Stupid Ideas’ folder. It was a pretty large file. I started flipping through it and…

BINGO

There it was, a memo outlining the Hippy Headquarters’ reasons for supporting the idea of appeasing terrorists.


To: All hippies
From: Hippy Headquarters

RE: Appeasing Terrorists

It has come to our attention that some of the people in our ranks have been questioning the mindless parroting our policy of how Amerika should be appeasing the terrorists and giving in to their demands. To correct this, we are issuing a top 10 list of reasons why Amerika should appease terrorists.


10. Local burhka manufacturing will pick up if we are forced into a more ‘Islamic’ state.
But what about the pork industry?
9. Nobody likes a winner, but everybody loves a good looser. We want everyone to love us.
You know that you only hurt the one you love.
8. Once the Arabs push the Jooooooos into the Mediterranean, it will be much easier to push ours into the Atlantic.
What about the Pacific? I guess the ones in Hollywood are OK?
7. We must support the poor and downtrodden. Only people who are poor and downtrodden have the need to become terrorists. So all terrorists are poor and downtrodden. Therefore, we must support the terrorists.
Oh good, now you’re using logic.
6. The former Iraqi Minister of Information says that Iraq was much better under Saddam than under U.S. occupation.
Isn’t he still saying that there is no occupation?
5. Maybe if we give them what they want now, they won’t ask for any more.
It worked real well for Neville Chamberlain.
4. George Bush says that he won’t appease terrorists. Anything that he stands for must be bad for the country.
Sure… that’s why he’s the president and you aren’t.
3. Terrorists call the U.S. ‘The Great Satan,’ and only someone who really knows good from evil would be able to say that. So all of their demands must be right.
I’ve always heard, it takes one to know one.
2. If we don’t give in to them, they might kill some Americans.
MIGHT?!? No matter what we do they are going to try. Ever heard of the World Trade Center?
1. 9/11 never happened… 9/11 never happened… 9/11 never happened…
I see, I guess de Nile isn’t just a river in Africa.



I knew that I had to get this back to Alliance HQ. Just maybe, with this information, we would be able to determine what twisted form of logic the hippies were using. And with that knowledge, we should be able to develop more effective counter-measures.

Suddenly, I heard a noise from the stairwell. And the elevator had already descended back to the lobby floor. I stuffed the memo into my pocket as I ran to the window and looked out. I was in luck; the phone line ran down from the roof above me to the telephone pole at the street. Right next to where I had parked. Wow, am I good or what? Tying the bandana I was wearing into a figure eight, I hooked it over the telephone wire. Then, taking a loop in each hand, I slid down the line to the pole. I scampered down the pole into my Jeep and quickly sped away into the night.

As I drove away, I had just two thoughts running through my head. One, do they really believe that garbage? And two, what should I do for dinner?

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS

Monday, March 29, 2004

Day By Day 

Just in case you haven't noticed, I put Chris Muir's awsome comic 'Day by Day' up in my header.

If you haven't read it before, go to his web page and read all of the past issues.

Also, if anyone knows how to get it to center on the page, let me know. I have almost no idea what I am doing with web code.

Saturday, March 27, 2004

Mission Implausible Wrap-Up 

(You must read this episode: Evil Glenn’s Day Off, first.)

I woke up to a pounding on my front door. But, by the time I opened it, there was no one there. Just a large nail in the center of the door. Looks like a 10 penny nail. I thought. Then I noticed the note that the nail had pinned to the door.

It was written in an elegant script, and nicely bordered. Can’t be from the big H. Must not be an assignment. I read it, again noting the precise handwriting, that showed a much higher intelligence than the last note I had nailed to the door.

Agent GEBIV, Now go get your brother.....

Susie


Uh oh, I knew better than to argue with her. It looks like another…

MISSION IMPLAUSIBLE
(Cue Theme Music)

Observing writing on the back of the note, I turned it over.

By the way, Harv lent me this paper, so it should self destruct any second now.

S


Acting quickly, I stuffed the paper under a large rock.

*BOOM* >Shatter< *SCREECH* >Smash< *tinkle*

I guess it wasn’t a large enough rock. I quickly ducked back inside.

First things first, I had better find out where they took my blogless brother after they had caught him at the airport. Checking all of the news articles for the area, the only one that I found for the right time was a report of some sort of wild animal being caught on the runway at Barcelona International. That might be explain the ‘lobos hombres’ they were yelling. The report said that the captured animal had been taken to the Barcelona Zoo for study.

I looked up the phone number and called them. Fortunately, despite being 6 hours ahead of us, someone was still in the office. Unfortunately, I don’t speak Spanish that well. That turned out to not be a problem as most of the staff there does speak English. But what I learned was enough to make my mind spin.

They told me that they had just released the subject they had found at the airport to a Professor Reynolds for research. And that when he was there to pick it up, he said something about needing a little pick-me-up, now that his vacation was over. Oh my God, I thought, Glenn has him! And he’s Evil Glenn again too. As soon as they told me that he had already flown back to the U.S., I hung up the phone. I had to get to Tennessee, and fast.

I ran out the door and hopped into my Jeep. Driving across the lawn to go around the multi-car pileup I had inadvertently caused earlier, I headed to my aunt’s house. I was going to need some speed, and her corvette would have to provide it.

Leaving a note where her keys had been, I peeled out in her driveway as I left. I always wanted to do that. Now, it was nothing but drive due South and hope I wasn’t too late.

I wasn’t. But only barely.

As I broke into Evil Glenn’s lab, I discovered my muzzled, blogless brother being suspended by his ankles above what looked like a giant blender. He was being slowly lowered into the machine while Evil Glenn stood there, rubbing his hands together and cackling.

‘Stop this, you inhuman monster!’ I yelled.

‘Lawyer,’ he muttered. ‘And why are you bothering me? I need this extra large puppy shake, and nothing is going to stop me.’

‘But he’s not a puppy!’

‘Puppy… Werewolf. Whatever.’

‘He’s not a Werewolf either. He’s just covered in dog hair. It’s my blogless brother! You’ve met before.’

‘Oh yeah, the one with the weak stomach.’ He swung the crane holding my blogless brother away from the blender. ‘I guess this means that I’ll have to go to plan B.’

‘What’s that?’ I asked

Wolf Blitzer.’ He grinned as he cut the rope suspending my blogless brother.

I winced at the cantaloupe-hitting-pavement sound of my brother hitting the floor. That’s gonna hurt in the morning. ‘Umm. Isn’t he a reporter?’

‘Good point,’ he agreed. ‘I’d never get the foul taste out of my mouth. Oh well, I guess that I’ll have to forgo the experience of a Werewolf smoothie for a little longer. But my search will go on!’

I shuddered at the implications as I dragged my unconscious brother out to the car. I was starting to get a little worried about him, but then he seemed to regain awareness of his surroundings as we reached the NY state line. But only awareness. It seemed the short-term memory loss was back. (Lucky for me.)

‘Why am I covered in dog hair?’ he asked as I pulled into his driveway.

‘You were playing with Dad’s dogs,’ I lied.

‘Is that why it feels like someone was licking me all over?’


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