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The totaly pointless ramblings of a Jeep owner.

Friday, March 12, 2004

Filthy Lie: WWEGD (What Would Evil Glenn Do?) 

Top ten things that Evil Glenn would do with 15 minutes:

10. Link to 34 different web sites.
9. Type ‘Indeed’ 143 times.
8. Type ‘Hmmm’ 276 times.
7. Blend 18 puppies. (Small breeds)
6. Blend 5 puppies. (Large breeds)
5. Kill 9 hobos with blunt objects.
4. Punch Frank J. 78 times.
3. Draw 3/4th of a pentagram for worshiping Satan.
2. Get 1209 Instapundit hits.
1. Dance the Robot.

Some bad jokes: 

A man was in a car accident. When he came to in the hospital, he saw that his hands were completely wrapped in bandages. As soon as the doctor came in, he asked, 'Doctor, will I be able to play the piano?'

The doctor answered, 'Of course, your hands weren't hurt too bad.'

To which the man replied 'Great, I never could before.'


Same accident, different guy:
'Doctor, will I be able to play the banjo?'

'I'm afraid not. You didn't suffer any brain damage.'


Same accident, third guy:
'Doctor, will I be able to play the accordion?'

'No, we didn't have to remove your soul.'

Thursday, March 11, 2004

Just Another Bad Pun 

For all of you who loved the Rock Group, here's another really bad pun.

If the Lone Ranger joined a Hasmat team, would Tonto call him 'Chemo-Swabbie'?

Pointless Ramblings about stars and planets 

Last night was a good night.

I was able to go to my parents’ house and set up my new 5” reflective telescope. I had only been able to use it once since I got it, at my place. And there is too much light pollution for really good seeing. My parents live more out in the country, so the viewing was much better. For example, I was finally able to see the Orion Nebula. Anyways, my Dad and I had a great time.

First, we checked out the above mentioned nebula. Cool. Then we looked at Venus, one really bright semi-circle. Next, the really cool stuff.

Saturn. In all it’s glory. The rings are nicely tilted right now and the view is gorgeous. It was only the second time I had been able to see Saturn in the telescope, and the first time I couldn’t get it focused too well. Tonight I was able to use a higher magnification than before and get it to focus nicely. It was the first time my Dad had ever seen Saturn through any telescope. Needless to say, he was almost speechless. We even invited my Mom out to take a look. I don’t know if she was as impressed as we were. (The best part of that was my Mom didn’t know I had recently purchased the telescope, and had no idea where I had gotten it from.)

Next, we moved the telescope out to where we could get a good shot at Jupiter. It’s a bit closer, so the same level of magnification gives you a much larger image. Plus, the moons of Jupiter are in the same plane, more or less, as Earth. This makes them string out around Jupiter in a line. Sometimes on only one side, sometimes on both. But the best part was being able to see Jupiter’s bands. I think that the Great Red Spot was on the other side, but we were really able to see the big tropical stripes on the planet.

At the same time as we were using the telescope, we also had a set of binoculars out. A pretty good set of 10X50s. They gave a pretty good view of the Pleiades and some of the other star clusters. If you are just a little interested in stargazing, I suggest getting a decent pair of binoculars and the Starry Night Starter Pack. It’s a really good program that shows you where everything is.

After the stargazing, we even got to catch the tail end of the 6 – 0 shellacking the Sabres gave the Capitals. Only a few points out of the playoffs now.

Monday, March 08, 2004

Precision Guided Humor Assignment: 

Respond to the Venezuelan's assertion that "The US only went into Iraq because of the oil. They're going to take all of the oil, and sell it to fund their global imperialism."

First, my initial response is, ‘If we were going to go into Iraq to take all of the oil, why would we sell it? Don’t we want all of that wonderful oil for our own use?'

OK, I thought, this was something to investigate. Why did we go to Iraq?

So the first thing I did was go over to my blogless brother’s house and get him to crank up the old hacking magic that he does so well. He seemed to have nearly completely recovered from the last time I had used his services. His eyebrows hadn’t completely grown back, but the memory loss he still suffered was probably to my benefit anyway. (‘So, GEBIV, do you know how my computer melted?’)

Step one, hack into the Whitehouse’s computer and see what reasons they had for going to war.

No luck there. All they had were a bunch of silly things like ‘freeing the oppressed peoples of Iraq’ and ‘securing the safety of Mid-East region’ and ‘stopping a regime with plans for creating more weapons of mass destruction’ and ‘securing the national interests of the United States.’ Gee, nothing about oil there.

That left us with very few options. Then I remembered that almost all of the Democrats in Congress did vote for the war at first. Maybe they had a reason at the time. So off we went into cyberspace again. This time to the DNC home computer.

This hack was a little harder for the blogless brother. It wasn’t until he accidentally left his cap-lock on that he was able to break their password. (WEHATEBUSH) Go figure.

Almost instantly, pay dirt. We found the memo that was circulated throughout the DNC to get them all to vote in favor of the war.

ALL DNC DRONES:

WE MUST SUPPORT THE USE OF MILITARY FORCE IN IRAQ. IT HAS BEEN LEARNED THAT THE CURRENT POPULATION OF IRAQ HAS NEARLY ELIMINATED THE ‘IRAQI SAND DIVER’ A SMALL SEMI-AQUATIC, BIRD-LIKE INSECT. DUE TO THE FAILURE OF THE AVERAGE IRAQI CITIZEN TO PROVIDE ADEQUATE FOOD FOR THEIR HOUSEHOLD COMPANIONS (PETS), THESE MAJESTIC CREATURES HAVE BEEN NEARLY DRIVEN TO THE POINT OF EXTINCTION. AS OF THE LAST COUNT, THERE WERE LESS THAN 5 MILLION OF THEM LEFT IN THE IMMEDIATE AREA OF BAGDAD. THIS IS DOWN NEARLY 1 MILLION FROM THE 5.9 MILLION THAT WERE COUNTED DURING ‘THE GREAT SAND DIVER OUTBREAK’ OF 1846. AT THIS RATE THE SPECIES COULD BE FORCED ONTO THE ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST BY THE YEAR 2138. SOMETHING MUST BE DONE TO STOP THIS.

PLEASE VOTE YES ON THE USE OF FORCE IN IRAQ PROPOSITION. HOPEFULLY, WITH THE CUTS IN TRAINING BUDGETS TO THE MILITARY, THE AMERICAN SOLDIERS WILL ‘ACCIDENTALLY’ KILL ENOUGH OF THE PREDETORY POPULATION TO ALLOW THE BELOVED SAND DIVER TO RECOVER.

E.L.F.


We further found our that there was a great deal of consternation in the DNC ranks when they found out that the ‘Iraqi Sand Diver’ was just the local name for the common flea. It turns out that when the first Liberal Senators went over in the early aftermath of the war, they brought back with them quite an infestation of the pests. Once the Senate offices were fumigated, (remember the white powder found in some of the offices…) they quickly removed their support of the war. Go figure.

All in all, it turns out that I was unable to discover oil as a reason for invading Iraq. But if oil is a good reason for invading a country, two questions. Doesn’t Venezuela have oil? And aren’t they a lot closer to us than Iraq?

Addendum: Blogless brother is recovering nicely again from his hacking. It turns out that Madeline Albright keeps naked pictures of herself in the ‘Foreign Policy’ section of the DNC computers. (‘AHHHH. My eyes. They burn…’) Fortunately, I was not looking at the monitor when it blew.

Trivia Question 

This rock group has four members. All are dead. One of them was assasinated. Who are they?
(The answer posted in the comments)

Pointless Ramblings 

Sunday night is usually when my friends and I meet for bible study. We always have a good bit of fellowship (hanging out) before and after. However, on this evening we did something a little different. Dinner. A very nice baked ham with most of the trimmings. And then afterwards, we had the formal competition of BEYOND BALDERDASH.

For those who don’t know the rules, they are pretty simple. And I will further simplify them, so forgive me if I leave any nuances out.

To start with, one person reads a topic. This can be a set of initials, a name, a movie title, a date or a strange word. Then all of the other people have to make up what the topic is about. For the initials, what they stand for. For the name, what the person is famous for. For the movie, what the plot of the movie was about. For the date, what happened on that day. Or, the definition of the strange word.

Then the answers are read, with the real answer mixed in. Then each person gets to guess which is the real answer. If you guess the right answer, you get 2 points. You also get one point for each person who picks your answer. If no one picks the right answer, the person who picked the topic (who didn’t get to make up a fake answer) gets three points. The first person to get to a set number of points wins.


Beyond Balderdash

Round 1. RANDKLUFT : (My guess) The small space between the blades of a disposable razor. No one picked my answer, so no points.
Real answer: A crevasse created when ice breaks off of a mountainside.

Round 2. Girls Night Out: (My guess) Three young women rob a grocery store to get bail money for their friend. One person picked me, so one point.
Real answer: A cop tries to stop a wacko from killing young women.

3. S.W.C.: (My guess) Southern Women’s Conference. Again, only one person picked me, so one more point.
Real answer: Second Wives Coalition

4. OOGONIUM: (My answer) The densest known element with an atomic weight of 273. I picked my own answer and got two others to pick mine so three points on the bluff.
Real answer: The female sex organ in fungi which contains one or more oo spores. (OK, that was just weird)

5. Ashrita Furman: (My guess) Created worlds first microwave popcorn recipe. I picked the right answer and two people picked mine so four points
Real answer: Holds the world record for doing 8341 somersaults in 10 hours.

6.TEGESTOLOGIST: (This round I was the reader so this is the real answer) A collecter of cardboard beer coasters. No one picked the real answer so I got three points. Ha Ha.

7. BEOTHUNK: (My guess) The technical name for the sound of dirty laundry hitting the floor. No points. I thought that it was better than some of the other made up answers, but no one picked it.
Real answer: The extinct tribe of Canadian Indians who lived in Newfoundland.

8. July 26, 1989: (My answer) The largest sinkhole in Florida swallows a house. I picked the right answer and got two people to pick mine so four points. (OK, I may have cheated a little bit on that one. I used an event that was described on the topic card that I read from in round 6, so it sounded really real.)
Real answer: A man was killed in England by a turnip thrown from a car.

I win with my lucky, 1957, wheat penny. (We had more players than playing pieces so I used a wheat penny I happened to have in my pocket. Good lucky penny.)

On an aside, none of this game would have happened if the sky had not been so cloudy. I recently purchased a reeeeaaaaallyyyyy cool telescope that I have not yet had the opportunity to share. We’re talking a 5” reflective telescope. It’s HUGE.
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