The totaly pointless ramblings of a Jeep owner.

Saturday, March 27, 2004

Mission Implausible Wrap-Up 

(You must read this episode: Evil Glenn’s Day Off, first.)

I woke up to a pounding on my front door. But, by the time I opened it, there was no one there. Just a large nail in the center of the door. Looks like a 10 penny nail. I thought. Then I noticed the note that the nail had pinned to the door.

It was written in an elegant script, and nicely bordered. Can’t be from the big H. Must not be an assignment. I read it, again noting the precise handwriting, that showed a much higher intelligence than the last note I had nailed to the door.

Agent GEBIV, Now go get your brother.....


Uh oh, I knew better than to argue with her. It looks like another…

(Cue Theme Music)

Observing writing on the back of the note, I turned it over.

By the way, Harv lent me this paper, so it should self destruct any second now.


Acting quickly, I stuffed the paper under a large rock.

*BOOM* >Shatter< *SCREECH* >Smash< *tinkle*

I guess it wasn’t a large enough rock. I quickly ducked back inside.

First things first, I had better find out where they took my blogless brother after they had caught him at the airport. Checking all of the news articles for the area, the only one that I found for the right time was a report of some sort of wild animal being caught on the runway at Barcelona International. That might be explain the ‘lobos hombres’ they were yelling. The report said that the captured animal had been taken to the Barcelona Zoo for study.

I looked up the phone number and called them. Fortunately, despite being 6 hours ahead of us, someone was still in the office. Unfortunately, I don’t speak Spanish that well. That turned out to not be a problem as most of the staff there does speak English. But what I learned was enough to make my mind spin.

They told me that they had just released the subject they had found at the airport to a Professor Reynolds for research. And that when he was there to pick it up, he said something about needing a little pick-me-up, now that his vacation was over. Oh my God, I thought, Glenn has him! And he’s Evil Glenn again too. As soon as they told me that he had already flown back to the U.S., I hung up the phone. I had to get to Tennessee, and fast.

I ran out the door and hopped into my Jeep. Driving across the lawn to go around the multi-car pileup I had inadvertently caused earlier, I headed to my aunt’s house. I was going to need some speed, and her corvette would have to provide it.

Leaving a note where her keys had been, I peeled out in her driveway as I left. I always wanted to do that. Now, it was nothing but drive due South and hope I wasn’t too late.

I wasn’t. But only barely.

As I broke into Evil Glenn’s lab, I discovered my muzzled, blogless brother being suspended by his ankles above what looked like a giant blender. He was being slowly lowered into the machine while Evil Glenn stood there, rubbing his hands together and cackling.

‘Stop this, you inhuman monster!’ I yelled.

‘Lawyer,’ he muttered. ‘And why are you bothering me? I need this extra large puppy shake, and nothing is going to stop me.’

‘But he’s not a puppy!’

‘Puppy… Werewolf. Whatever.’

‘He’s not a Werewolf either. He’s just covered in dog hair. It’s my blogless brother! You’ve met before.’

‘Oh yeah, the one with the weak stomach.’ He swung the crane holding my blogless brother away from the blender. ‘I guess this means that I’ll have to go to plan B.’

‘What’s that?’ I asked

Wolf Blitzer.’ He grinned as he cut the rope suspending my blogless brother.

I winced at the cantaloupe-hitting-pavement sound of my brother hitting the floor. That’s gonna hurt in the morning. ‘Umm. Isn’t he a reporter?’

‘Good point,’ he agreed. ‘I’d never get the foul taste out of my mouth. Oh well, I guess that I’ll have to forgo the experience of a Werewolf smoothie for a little longer. But my search will go on!’

I shuddered at the implications as I dragged my unconscious brother out to the car. I was starting to get a little worried about him, but then he seemed to regain awareness of his surroundings as we reached the NY state line. But only awareness. It seemed the short-term memory loss was back. (Lucky for me.)

‘Why am I covered in dog hair?’ he asked as I pulled into his driveway.

‘You were playing with Dad’s dogs,’ I lied.

‘Is that why it feels like someone was licking me all over?’

Friday, March 26, 2004

Filthy Lie Roundup 

It's up at the Alliance HQ.

Just a little warning about Harvey. He's well... Harvey. So I'd have to rate his entry as PG15 or higher.

A Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Vacation 

As I arrived home after a long day at work, I noticed the note taped to my door. What on Earth… I haven’t been evicted again?

The note read, in a crayoned scrawl:
Agent GEBIV, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to determine what Evil Glenn will be doing on his vacation. We will not be able to support you in any manner on this assignment. Due to budget requirements, any movie royalties stemming from this mission will be considered the property of Alliance HQ. So make it good.


Looks like it’s time for yet another…

(Cue Theme Music)

Cramming the note in my pocket, I was off like a flash. First step, find out where Evil Glenn went. This would require the help of blogless brother (AKA Culbrez) to do the computer hacking for me. First, we checked out the Evil Glenn’s own vacation notice. To see if he left any clue as to where he was going. Nothing concrete there, but there was a reference to the book Hard America, Soft America by Michael Barone. A click on the link took us to an Amazon.com page. Interesting, the first book on the Other Purchases list was Africa in World History by Jonathan T. Reynolds. A coincidence, I think not. But Africa is a big place.

We went back to Evil Glenn’s post and followed the second link to a column he posted at TechCentralStation. This one was mostly about the Spanish. I was still a little confused, but a picture was beginning to emerge. If I could only connect the dots.

Again, we went back to Evil Glenn’s vacation post. The final link on the post was to Chris Muir’s day by day comic. When we went to the post of the 17th, we were struck by the fact that it was about Al Franken. Al… There had to be something there.

Acting under a flash of inspiration, we did a google search of the words Africa, Spanish, and Al; and hit the I’m Feelin’ Lucky button.

Bingo. We got a location. Not in Africa like I was thinking, but in northeastern Catalonia, Spain; where a terrorist attack had been averted back in January ‘03. And then it hit me, this could only mean one thing. He was going to Disneyworld. It was so obvious. How could I have not seen it earlier?

Ha. Just kidding.

The trail led to Spain.

So, knowing that movie royalties were on the line, blogless brother and I hopped on the first commercial flight we could find to Spain. In retrospect, it probably would have been a good idea to pay for the tickets instead of stowing away in pet carriers. The smell was awful and the dog hair got all over everything. It wasn’t all bad though, I had plenty of room, and the Great Dane that was wandering around Buffalo International as a result was rounded up without any harm. Too bad all we could find for blogless brother was a Poodle carrier. And not a Standard Poodle either.

When we finally arrived in Spain, I realized that we had forgot something in our rush. Passports. Not a real problem I thought, as we weren’t going to be going through Customs anyway. Unfortunately, the local baggage handlers must belong to the Squealer’s Union or something. The fuss they put up when we climbed out of the boxes! They kept shouting ‘Los lobos hombres’ or something like that. I mean, just because we hadn’t shaved for a day or two was no reason to scream and run in fear.

I was able to evade the resultant manhunt fairly easily. However, my blogless brother wasn’t as lucky. Being crammed into such a small container for so long had given him severe muscle cramps, and he was caught within seconds of the search beginning. He’d just have to fend for himself until after I had finished the assignment.

Thoroughly searching the Catalonia region, I soon found Evil Glenn. He was helping a little old hobo cross the street when I spied him. I didn’t recognize him at first as he wasn’t wearing his customary white socks and sandals. And then, as he finished crossing the street, he gave the hobo a small wad of cash! Then, he turned and gave a little pat on the head of the hobo’s dog! And fed it a treat!

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was stunned. And when a saucy little penguin waddled by, Evil Glenn didn’t even give it a glance. This was too much for my system, and I passed right out.

When I came to, he was standing over me. ‘Are you all right?’ He asked.

‘Get away from me you soulless-bloodsucking-monster,’ I yelled.

‘Lawyer.’ He said. ‘But don’t worry, I’m on vacation.’

‘Huh?’ This was confusing. ‘What does being on vacation have to do with anything?’

‘All of the evilness,’ he explained ‘is part of my job. You know I’m a lawyer. All of the puppy blending, hobo killing, Satan worshiping, penguin p0rning, white socks and sandal wearing… all of that stuff is just part of the job. I’m just here on vacation.’

‘Yeah, but what are you doing here?’

‘Well, I thought that I could show the poor misguided socialists of this country the error of their ways through compassion and kindness.’

‘For vacation?’

‘You see, trying to take over the world is my regular job. On vacation, it only makes sense that I should try to discourage others from going down the same rocky path. Besides, I’m really a kind man and I just like to give back once in a while. Once this trip is over, it’ll be nothing but hobo killing and puppy shakes morning noon and night.’ He started licking his lips at the thought.

‘Hey. Vacation!’

‘Oh, right.’ He smiled back at me with a beatific look of innocence.

My mind was in a whirl. It seamed like reality itself had taken a small vacation. I was only vaguely aware of events as he drove me to the airport and bought me a first class ticket home.

I still wasn’t thinking straight when the cab dropped me off at home. (Yes, he even called and ordered a cab to pick me up at the airport.) I couldn’t help but feel as if I was forgetting something.
As I walked up the steps, I saw another note on the door. In crayon.

Oh, by the way, the other note should self destruct any minute now.


Oh no, which pocket did I put that in?


Oh yeah. Back pocket.

Later, while treating myself for second degree burns, I still couldn’t help but feel that there was something that I was forgetting. Oh well, I thought, maybe a good nights sleep will put everything back to normal.

Meanwhile, back in Spain:
‘I don’t care what you Spanish freaks think, I am not a Werewolf! Now let me out of this cage!’

Thursday, March 25, 2004

PGH Roundup 

The Roundup of the 100 Days of Kerry is up at Alliance HQ. Check out all of the entries.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Precision Guided Humor Assignment 

I found the tape-recorder sitting on my front doorstep. Uh oh, I thought, this can't be good. Remembering the last time I got an assignment, I decided to play this one outside.

*Beep* ‘Agent GEBIV, your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to discover; What would John Kerry accomplish in his first 100 days as President? If you are discovered, we will be forced to disavow all knowledge of your actions. If you mess up spectacularly enough, we will however, keep any recordings of your actions for the staff Christmas party. This recording will self destruct in 2 seconds.’

Oh no. I ejected the tape and flung it as hard as I could towards the ditch.


Guess I should have thrown the tape-recorder instead. As I patted out the bits of my clothing that were still on fire, I realized that it was time for another…

(Cue Theme Music)

I knew what I had to do. I had to convince my blogless brother to hack into John F’ing Kerry’s computer files and find out his political agenda for his first 100 days. I just hoped that he had recovered from the last mission I dragged him on. When I called him up, he was groggy, but not suspicious, so I went right over. I was in luck, not only was he willing to help me, but his continued head injuries and dehydration (from not being able to eat or drink after his meeting with Evil Glenn.) had caused him to totally forget what happened nearly every time he helped me.

‘OK,’ I said, ‘ I need you to hack into John F. Kerry’s personal computer. It’s probably the only place that we will be able to find out his agenda for the first 100 days if he gets into office. Can you do it?’

His only answer as his fingers blurred over the keyboard was a little twitch of his eyebrow. A twitch which seemed to say, ‘Boy are you a moron. This little job is so simple that I could do it with my toes while wearing wool socks and dive fins.’

Darn eyebrow is getting a little cocky.

And then he was in. But the computer was almost completely clean. There wasn’t a single file on the hard drive but a recipe for quiche. I guess he’s more than just French looking. But why didn’t he have anything else on the computer. No day planner. No phone listings. Not even any computer games. How can someone run for President and be so unorganized? One would think that he would at least have to have some way to plan his fundraising.

(We later found out that Kerry changed his password so often that he usually forgot what he had set it at and so often couldn’t log on. That’s also why you hardly ever get any e-mail from him anymore.)

This still left us with the problem of finding out what he would try to do in his first 100 days. Concentrating extremely hard, I vowed that if Kerry did somehow win the election, I would create a wormhole and send back a listing of what he had accomplished. It was a crazy idea, but it might just be crazy enough to work.

Suddenly a rip in the space-time continuum appeared next to my blogless brother’s computer. The vortex of energy caused a spontaneous explosion of all the cheese and cheese-products in the house, turning the bag of Cheetos in my brother’s hand into an artificially flavored grenade. (It wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn’t been pouring the bag into his mouth at the time. 'Ahhh, my nose. It burns.' The doctors say that they should be able to get most of the crumbs out of his sinus with a only a few, moderately painful surgeries.)

The time vortex was red tinged. Which dovetailed nicely with my theory that with an alternate, more liberal/socialist future, anything coming back to present time would be red-shifted. So I was prepared when the single piece of paper wafted through the wormhole. As I grabbed it out of the air, the wormhole snapped shut with a sound like a ziplock bag.

The lone sheet of paper was covered in what I recognized as my own handwriting and what looked like fresh blood.

This is the note in it’s entirety.

Kerry’s First 100 Days:
Day 1: BIG PARTY with all of the media and 90% of Hollywood.
Day 2: Still partying.
Day 3: Still partying.
Day 4: Still partying.
Day 5: Killer Hangover shuts down Washington for the rest of the weekend.
Day 7: Made speech on Capitol Hill about being the people’s president and the second ‘Black’ President. To prove it, he had one of his servants Rap and break-dance for the assembly. Then climbed into his SUV motorcade to drive to Earth First Rally.
Day 8: Named UN Sec. General to position of Secretary of State.
Day 9: Made speech referencing how he served in Vietnam, so best knows when to pull troops out of Iraq.
Day10: Named Heinz the official condiment of the US.
Day 12: Proposed changing over US Currency to Euros.
Day 14: Denied naming Heinz official condiment.
Day 16: Reconfirmed Heinz as official condiment.
Day 19: Confirmed both denial and naming of Heinz as official condiment in the same sentence.
Day 25: Remembered promise to start pulling troops out of Iraq.
Day 26: Complained that the Secret Service is always following him around and ruining his putting.
Day 31: Fired Joint Chiefs of Staff for daring to outrank him.
Day 36: Found the medals he threw over the Whitehouse fence in the 60s and threw them back.
Day 38: Proposed legislation on campaign spending limits.
Day 49: Promised to veto campaign spending limit legislation if it passes in the House.
Day 55: Promised to sign campaign spending limit legislation if it passes in the Senate.
Day 68: Vetoed campaign spending limit legislation.
Day 74: Complained that Bush never proposed any campaign spending limit legislation.
Day 82: Remembered to start pulling troops out of Iraq. Iraq quickly becomes a quagmire as terrorists completely loose any fear of US military.
Day 84: Gave in to French Ambassador’s whining and gave back Louisiana Territory to avoid charge of imperialism.
Day 85: Declared martial law to help defend New France from American terrorists.
Day 86: Realized that the Louisiana Territory included the approx. 1/3 of Continental US. Immediately re-annexed territory. Fortunately, local Boy Scout Troops had already rounded up whole French military and taught them proper hygene.
Day 87: Blamed Louisiana Invasion on Bush’s poor homeland security policies. Claimed would not have happened if he was president.
Day 88: Remembered he was president. Denied statement of previous day. Fired Sec. of Defense for being to ‘militaristic’.
Day 99: In an attempt to bolster falling poll numbers, bit the head off of a chicken.
Day 100: Died in unusual toaster-bathtub-shotgun-sleeping pill-crossbow-Doberman-lawnmower-egg beater accident. Succeeded by Vice-President Hillary Clinton.

By all that’s Holy, don’t let this abomination…

The handwriting ended there in an unreadable scrawl. Later analysis showed that the blood on the paper was my own.

My only comforting thought was that this was from an alternate much more liberal future. It doesn’t have to happen if we don’t let it.

(And to borrow from Harv)

Monday, March 22, 2004

Best-of-Me Symphony 

is up at Susie's place. Check out all of the oldies but goodies.

A woman who's into Rocky And Bullwinkle? I think I'm in love.
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