The totaly pointless ramblings of a Jeep owner.

Saturday, April 03, 2004

I'm moving! 

I hope this won't cause too much confusion, but I have recently been added to the Munuvian Empire. I will be switching over to the new site as soon as I figure out Movable Type.

OK, actually I'm getting a lot of help, so the move is alread underway.

So come check out There's One Only! at its new location

(Pardon for not being in color yet. As someone once said, 'Every new house starts out white.'

Friday, April 02, 2004

A Filthy Lie: How Evil Glenn Spent April Fool's Day 

I was sitting on my couch, watching the Sabres eke out a win against the Rangers Wednesday night, when my telephone rang. This better not make me miss a goal. I thought as I hit the speakerphone button. There was no response to my ‘Hello,’ just the click of a pre-recorded message starting. Stupid telemarketers. Maybe if I wasn’t so lazy, I’d get around to signing up for the national Do Not Call registry. Just as I was about to disconnect the call, I heard a familiar voice.

‘Agent GEBIV, your mission, weather or not you actually choose to accept it, is to find out how Evil Glenn spent his April Fool’s Day and report back to Alliance HQ. If you are discovered, the Alliance will disavow all knowledge of your actions. If you really mess up, we will also relieve you of your membership in the Alliance. We will refund the remaining portion of your dues at a pro-rated allowance in that event.

This recording will self destruct in 5 seconds.’

But I don’t have a recording. This is over the phone.

Prudence first. I ducked back behind my couch just in case. Then over the speakerphone, I heard a small explosion. Then in what sounded like Harvey’s voice, muffled cursing. And right before the call was disconnected, what sounded like Harvey’s beloved blogless wife shouting at him about another visit to the burn unit.

Heh Heh. Glad I didn’t reverse the charges.

As I chuckled evilly to myself, I realized that it was time for another…

(Cue Theme Music)

I knew that this mission would require comprehensive surveillance of Evil Glenn’s movements throughout the day. I figured that I was going to need some help on this one. I picked up the phone and called the blogless brother, AKA Culbrez.

I just hope that he had recovered from the last time I had used his help. He came right over; with no visible sign of all of the traumas he had suffered helping me. I explained the mission to him. That we would need to find out how Evil Glenn spent his April Fool’s Day and report back to the Alliance HQ. He pulled out his laptop and settled down to some serious hacking.

Step one, hack into Evil Glenn’s computer files and get a copy of his itinerary. With that, we would be able to figure out where he was going to be, and thus be in position to follow him through the day.

As Harvey once said, it’s like Evil Glenn has never even heard about firewalls. My blogless brother was able to hack into his personal itinerary without even having to use a single eyebrow twitch. Good thing too, I was getting fed up with that uppity facial hair, A few minutes later we were looking at Evil Glenn’s April 1st entry in his day planner.

April 1, 2004
6:00 Wake Harvey up with prank phone call---tell him he was recalled to active service.
8:00 Find a puppy
8:05 Blend puppy
8:30 Put puppy shake into Susie’s chocolate milk bottle (this should start her addiction nicely)
10:00 Put itching powder in Frank J.’s t-shirt.
10:15 – 12:00 Videotape Frank J. scratching. Should look just like Robot Dance (Good blackmail for later)
1:00 Crash stock market by announcing infestation of spiders on the trading floor
3:00 Buy up mortgage on a local orphanage
4:00 Foreclose on orphanage
6:00 Chase down all of the newly made hobos and whack them
7:00 Reopen orphanage… (This could be a long term hobby)
9:00 Switch all of the sleeping pills in the local pharmacy with No-doze
11:00 Call Harvey again and ask if I can date his blogless wife while he’s in Iraq

This was too horrible to believe. I’m all for good-natured pranks, but most of Evil Glenn’s were just too horrific to be allowed to happen. We couldn’t just observe and report his actions. We had to stop him.

I checked the clock, we had worked clear through the night. It was almost 6. We had to do something to stop Evil Glenn’s plans. Thinking quickly, I had my blogless brother hack into Glenn’s phone company. We put a temporary stop on his phone line. That should protect Harvey for the time being, I thought.

Now we needed to protect Susie. This could take a little more effort than just canceling a phone.
If Evil Glenn stayed on his schedule, we had a little more time to stop this prank. There was no way that we could protect all of the poor little puppies in the town; unfortunately, we would have to pick our battles. But I should be able to protect Susie, if I acted fast enough. With my blogless brother acting as a lookout, I snuck into Susie’s house and hid in her kitchen.

Then it was only a matter of time. Evil Glenn showed up, right on schedule. I watched him as he switched the chocolate milk for a chocolate puppy shake. And then, as soon as he left her house, I quickly replaced the whole bottle with at fresh one we had purchased on the way over to her house. We quickly disposed of the vile concoction. A second victim saved.

Next, we had to stop Evil Glenn from tricking Frank J. But how could we prevent Evil Glenn from dusting Frank J. with itching powder? And then if we couldn’t stop the powder, how would we keep Frank J. from doing a robot dance while scratching? And if we couldn’t stop that, how would we stop Evil Glenn from videotaping the whole thing? I slapped myself before I started spiraling down into a pit of self-doubt.

Then it came to me. A plan that was majestic in its simplicity. Quickly hacking into Evil Glenn’s financial records, we were able to determine that he had not yet purchased the required itching powder. And so, grabbing our credit cards and our cell phones, we quickly called all of the practical joke stores, toy stores and magic shops and completely cornered the market on itching powder. And maxed out our credit limits.

Well, Frank was now safe, but we just couldn’t keep this up all day. Drastic action had to be taken. There was only one thing that we could do. We had to neutralize Evil Glenn for the rest of the day.

We followed Glenn as he went from store to store looking for the itching powder with no idea as to how we would be able to stop him for the rest of the day. And then we were in luck. Giving up on trying to torment Frank J., he headed straight home. Recklessly driving cross country in my jeep, we were able to beat him to his house.

I had an idea how to stop him. I quickly checked his refrigerator, and among all of the disgusting things that you would expect to find was what I was looking for. (Actually, more than what I needed, but hey, the more the merrier.) Taking the five-gallon tub of mayonnaise that I found, my blogless brother and I smeared a trail from the front door straight to his bathroom. The trap was almost ready. Rummaging around a little more, I found the final item that I needed; an extra-large tube of superglue. I quickly finished my preparations as his car pulled into the driveway.

Just then, we heard Evil Glenn coming up the walkway. We quickly got into our positions and waited for the trap to be sprung.

Exactly as I had planned, as soon as Evil Glenn walked through his front door he started sliding. Straight, as I had planned, into his bathroom. Quickly slamming the door behind him, I completely sealed the door shut with the superglue I had found earlier. With both the door and the window (done before he got home) of his bathroom sealed, I knew that we had him safely tucked out of the way for the day.

‘That will keep you from torturing innocent people, you bloodsucking soulless fiend!’ I shouted through the door.

‘That’s lawyer to you,’ he replied.

Just then, the shriek that we heard through the door let me know that he had discovered the superglue that we had applied to the toilet seat and lid. He wasn’t going to be going anywhere for quite a while.

Suddenly, I was startled by another scream from behind me. My poor, hapless brother had gone wandering through the house and had looked into Evil Glenn’s bedroom. He came stumbling down the hallway with his hands over his eyes yelling, ‘Oh the horror. It burns!’ Pushing away my helping hands, he ran straight into the penguin version of Rodan’s ‘Thinker’ that was sitting in the main foyer, knocking himself out cold.

Discounting the injuries suffered by my blogless brother. I decided that the mission was a complete success. We had managed to foil Evil Glenn at almost all of his nefarious plans.

To sum up what Evil Glenn did on April Fool’s Day:

He had his phone turned off.
He blended a puppy that he didn’t even get to drink.
And then he was sealed in his bathroom and superglued to his toilet.

As I dragged my brother out to the Jeep, I just hoped that I hadn’t started a new perversion for Evil Glenn. The last thing the Alliance needs is Evil Glenn supergluing himself to different things.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

Filthy Lie: How Evil Glenn spent his April Fools Day 

Evil Glenn hid behind a tree. When Harvey walked by, Evil Glenn jumped out and gave Harvey a wedgie.

I think Harvey liked it.

Happy April 1st 

Just putting up some of the good april fools posts I'm finding. I'll add them as I go.

Good story over here at Cox & Forkum

Please Frank! Say it's all a bad dream!

Try this little game over at Rocket Jones.
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